Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
