It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
