My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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