Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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