As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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