Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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