Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize