Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
