I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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