The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
