I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize