suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
