You can't special order awesome
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
