Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize