Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
