I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
third nipple confirmed
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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