i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
