He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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