Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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