I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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