Can i not drive my cunt home
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
