I just saw a hot homeless man
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
