This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
