Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
