ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
