$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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