saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
