Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
