Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
