Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
