I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
