What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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