If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
