tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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