If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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