apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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