EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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