a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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