i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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