you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
