dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
