So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
