Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
