I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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