so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
