Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
