I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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