How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
