So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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