Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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