We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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