We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
