We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You dont lie about slip and slides
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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