I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
