I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
