I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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