I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She bit a glass in half.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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