I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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