It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
