Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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