Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize